I was pestered into making this by my partner :) You can head here if you feel like reading some of their writing/rambling as well.
There is probably going to be some light triggering content in here. Particularly medical topics/hospitals, religion, ablelism and queerphobia. I can't list everything I talk about, though, so please just proceed with caution :)
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I didn't totally consider what I was going to use this for before I made it, but I figured writing would be the easiest. I was going to put art up, too, but I spent probably an hour fiddling with the images and decided that it's not worth the suffering.
I can see myself using this more than the physical journals I had. I can only write physically for so long without my wrist cramping, and I can make the words colorful on here. :) (Which I will do whenever I find the energy to figure it out, I promise.)
I went on a walk a little bit ago, that was nice. It's been getting dark so much earlier lately I never get out in time to go on a real walk. That's one of my biggest issues with Winter, I think. I feel so gray and tired the whole time, not even withstanding how much I hurt physically when it's cold out. On a lighter note, there was a very nice orange tree out by one of the houses, we never get those down here, it made my day. Maybe I'll draw a whole bunch of red/orange trees before Yule starts and it's not on-theme anymore.
Oh yeah, Yule isn't actually that far away, is it? That's weird to think about, I need to figure out what I'm gonna do something for it, since it'll be the first one in a while I'll have time to celebrate, that'll be fun. I can't say I'm excited for all the Christmas stuff, though. A majority of talking about holidays to people is just smiling and pretending that I'm celebrating Christian ones and not mine and it's not exactly fun. I was going to say it's not their fault but if they seem like the would be that averse to being told I'm not Christian and/or don't celebrate christian holidays then, I guess it is.
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Back again! I woke up sort of late today but I still think I got a lot done, totally finished with my American History for this semester (finally) so I'm caught back up!! It took me a couple of days to tie it all up, but I think I did well. I have a lot of math left, though, that's not gonna be fun when I get back from breaking for the holidays. I'm not a huge fan of math and all I've got left is the hard stuff. Hoping if I can get ahead on that I can give myself a bigger break before I start the next ones.
I 've been able to hang out with Soup a lot more the past few days --which I am by no means complaining about, It makes me really happy to actally spend more time with them, they're wonderful, it's just felt different, I guess? Maybe it's just that they've been talking a lot more about different things, we had a sort of pattern of conversations and not continuing to do that broke my brain. It's still nice, though. I wish I had the motivation to to write them and Oliver another poem or something, they deserve it.
-It's late and I wanna scream so, I think I am going straight to heavy venting because if I don't now then I'll never be convinced to.
I am so tired all the time lately, even my free time is stressful and wrong and exhausting. I wanna actually stop being stressed out and tired all the time for no real reason. I want to be held or to hold Somebody. I wanna feel safe. I wanna stop having issues and conflicts and more fucking rocks at my face while I'm down. I want my mental state to stop being a mirror image of that. I want to do something useful with my existence. I want to stop being so tired.
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Oh Lord I forgot where I left that off, it was late please excuse my random anger at the universe, I was fine after an ibuprofen hdgnilfih
I think I'm gonna finally give Soup the link to this, since they're the reason I made it. I wanted to wait until we were both updating again, though. We both kinda stopped at the same time. I haven't had many thoughts the last few days, though. (For those of you that know, yes, the joke was intentional) So I haven't really felt like updating. I think I gave Ollie the link, though, when I gave him Soup's. I don't know if he's read either of these, though. Maybe not, but that's alright. I was going to try and arrange a meet-up with Oliver during his holiday break, but that didn't work out, not enough time/money/being abled to figure it out so fast. That's alright though, I'm hoping we can get our shit together by summer and we can try again.
Update on the math thing: I have to start it before I leave for break :( It is in fact, not fun. technically that's what I'm supposed to be doing instead of writing this, but I don't Feel Like It. It's not even stuff I don't know already, it just takes forever and it;s boring and aggravating. Maybe I'll get some caffiene and then go subject myself to that. I did entertain myself yesterday by reciting the one song to figure out how many pi digits I could recall, managed 43 before I started getting them wrong. (Oh god I'm such a Logan kinnie and I hate it so much)
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Whoops, I forgot to write yesterday, I was tired and really not-person-y, but I exist more now I think. I'm afraid to say I'm having a good day, because 'good' feels too...I'm not sure, it just never feels right, but I'm feelinga whole lot better today. Minimal pain, enough energy to actually Do Something, it's been nice. I'm almost done with my geometry work for the year. Still got a whole probability and graph section after that, but those are easier anyway. I'm hoping maybe I could get a start on next year's stuff sooner, it'd be fun to graduate at the same time as Soup and Ollie. I was always kinda upset about the idea of being behind them, so maybe I can work on catching up for that. (If not just for being done with school quicker, which is a secondary plus, but still.)
I'm doing a D&D oneshot on Friday!! I'm really excited, I finally got to make a changeling character I've been thinking about for a while now. Their name is Laen, they have existed for less than 24 hours and I would die for them. They're a bard and I love it so much, like, they're really just here to have a good time, and make sure that nobody else gets hurt. I acidentally made most of their spells buffs (which was really just me leaning into the whole Constant Fey Gift situation because I think it's funny). But it's not the most practical. They also probably have some sort of god complex because I can't make normal people, who do you think I am? I think I wanna just make them friends with all the party members, though, I haven't had a non-asshole in a little bit.
Okay okay I'm done rambling about Laen now I can talk about. Something Else. I guess. askldnlifnjkdsf Cyvin.
I wanna cuddle somebody so bad it's unbearable. Why aren't my partners just. like. here. This is such a scam I'm cold and they seem so warm :( Why can't I think about literally anything right now I'm not even sad or spacey or anything it's just not happening right now for some reason.
Oh, yeah, I went to an SCA meetup/practice thing on Saturday, that was fun I guess, got to talk to Erin and Aaliyah some more, that was nice. I'm glad we're getting new people in that actually care about the barony and getting stuff done. I had a really silly breakdown the other day because I was thinking about moving to Virginia with Ollie/Soup and I realized that if I go with them right after I graduate and stuff I'm not gonna get my AoA here...really silly but that's always something I imagined getting in front of people I know..you know? Having a royal I recognize giving me my coronet, it was just A Thing, I guess. I'm gonna have to figure out the timeline of events for that I think, avoid things like that happening.
I'm running outta words now I think, have a nice day/night y'all.
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I'm not sure what I wanna write, but I need to do something with my hands so, here we go I guess. I've been trying to help Ollie with this research paper, and it's been slowly ruining my ability to think. I know I don't have to help him (she's told me that plenty) but I really want to, I just also tend to forget he's an entire grade ahead of me and I haven't done any of this. I'll figure it out. I'm just gonna try where I can and edit I think.
Today is weird. Not sure why, I just feel Wrong at the moment. Kinda numb I guess. Not a big deal but I wish I knew why I'm like this. I'm not n a lot of pain, I got good sleep, I've had water, I'll figure it out eventually I'm sure. I really wanna read something, not be in reality and stuff, but I don't have anything to read right now. Not anything that'd help with that, anyway. ...what if I reread Love and Other Fairytales?
I have to go to a planning meeting for Queen's Champion on Thursday. Nothing wrong with it I guess but I don't wanna go. I don't even really wanna go to Queen's itself, but because my parents wanna play the heros and take all these jobs and positons for people who don't give two shits, we have all this responsibility to the barony. I feel like they're gonna burn themselves out with this and then not be able to do the shit irl that they actually need to be present for. This is a game we pay to play that's supposed to be fun and they're ruining that for the sake of 'helping' a group that's gonna collapse either way. I want to go back to how we used to play. Where we could just go to events once or twice a month and help with planning on small ones where anyone's short on hands. If they run for B&B there's no way that's gonna happen and we'll be stuck here.
Officially done with my geometry work now! It's all probability and charts left, so I may just finish all of it out and then do World History after the new year, then I can break for a few months and start next year's stuff. I wanna get stuff done but I'm so tired. And I want to keep talking to people and stuff, so I'll probably wait until they have to leave.
None of you know who I'm talking about so we're gonnna gossip here for a few minutes. Zakk is dating someone now. (How he managed it I'll never know, but good for him I guess.) I've never met them, but they honestly sound so Not-cishet it's a little scary. They're a choir kid and all that. And Todd described them as 'eccentric' so you know it's bad. Also said he thought we'd get along. I'm gonna ask Zakk about them later, mostly just to make fun of him.
I've gotta go eat now, so, might be back today, might not, be safe!!
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Heya. Having a day so far, hoping that if I sit down and write some I might feel better. I remembered to eat lunch before late, it was nice. I also got to read a fic update, so that was cool, I got it a couple days early.
I told Ollie I wouldn't be online much today. I hurt and I've had a bit too much people-ing in the last week or so. I just needed a day to myself to just be. And listen to music again,
I stopped listening to music for almost a week for..some reason? It didn't even occur to me until I went to put my headphones on today. Why would I do that to myself? Music is such a fundemental part of my life at this point, I'm wondering if that was a reason I was so upset. It's so important to me. it's like its own language, emotions tangled with notes and words that have as many meanings as you could possibly want. I can't fathom how some people just...dont listen to music very much. It's healing, almost. Hearing other people's lives written into music and making it so loud it's more of a feeling than a sound. How could someone live without something like that? And shows, god, shows. I don't know how I managed to live so long without going to them. It's so raw, everyone loud and together and screaming the same words that surely mean different things to each of them. I don't think I've ever felt more alive in my life.
Maybe I'll start putting song lyrics in here, like Cephy does with poems. I'm listening to one now, I could probably use that. Last piece of Ripping Me Apart, by NOTHING MORE
You make me a god when we come together
You make me the best, but I never get better
You are the lie, you are the dream
You are everything to me-
Oh, you make me a god when we come together
You rip out my heart and you push in the dagger
You are the lie, you are the dream
You are every-fucking-thing to me
You took it all from me. (you rip it all away...)
I think this has helped, a bit. I'm not sure what I have the energy for right now, but I might just try to do some small stuff and go slowly today. I might come back and write more if anything interesting happens :)
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Today was nice, actually. I got to talk to Soup a whole bunch, that was fun, I missed them I think. :) We also put a tree up and decorated it!! I got to hang up all the stockings and stuff after, too. I'm really excited. (unrelated: it's 11:11!)
On a similar note, the one year anniversary of my surgery is in 3 days...not terrifying at all. It doesn't feel like it's been more than a few months, though. I'm excited for a Yule I can actually walk around for, though. I feel better, physically. Not great, but definitely better. (maybe if I got strings in all my joints I'd be pain-free /j /j /j) I think what's tripping me up is that I was promised that by now we'd be out of this house and everything, and not much has happened, so it really doesn't feel like a whole year has passed.
I'm pretty happy about my progress physically, I jsut wish other things could move forward, too.
I got to play a new boardgame with my parents & My brother! It was fun, I'm glad I can get back to playing games with them while we're not so busy.
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I did a tarot reading today, and I usually write notes about it down somewhere, I had some other thoughts about it too, so I figured it could go here. I felt like something was going on so I asked for broad guidance.
1st Card: The Wheel
Basically that everything somes full circle, that my external issues The Universe will sort out. Trust in the divine cycle and trust that what I deserve I will find. All the external things I'm worrying about will be solved. (I've become more skeptical of The Universe recently, but I understand the cycles.)
2nd Card: The Hermit
Any other answers I need won't come from anyone but myself. My inner and emotionaly knowledge will fill in the gaps that The Wheel can't. (candle flicker) I need to focus on my own answers and guidance for any real important questions. No one else can give those to me.
3rd Card: King of Cups
I need more balance between my emotional self and my logical self. I am too focused or one or the other and it's causing a large emotional imbalance. Learn to keep my head straight without being emotionally distant. (Fuck you, but I understand)
I switched decks here and I think it moved on more to the problem, less the solution (as seen above).
4th Card: The Watcher
These cards are very vague in their meanings, but this feels like it's in relation to my fear of judgement. Of people watching me and (candle flicker) seeing a broken-down version of me and assuming that's all I am. Of being judged for my worst without letting someone see my best.
5th Card: The Buried
I don't feel as strongly about this one, but it really just feels like a reminder that this is something I need to work to get out of. This is something I'm going to (candle flicker) need to work out and correct myself, not wait for The Universe to fix.
6th Card: The Gifted
This seems to tie into The Watcher. This feels like the fear of everyone suddenly realizing I'm not perfect like they thought I was. Seeing how horrifying and pathetic and broken I actually am and running for the hills.
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That's actually been a common theme in my life lately. Feeling like I'm broken and not worth their time. I'm not sure why. Maybe something leftover from when I lost all my friends, or when Addi left, or some roundabout internalized ableism, or maybe I never felt whole in the first place, maybe I was just pretending.
Either way though I know I have people who love me, who have seen most if not all of me, logically, if they'd wanted to run, they would have a long time ago. -- Forever ... (is a long time) By Halsey
Weightless, breathless, restitute,
Motionless and absolute,
You cut me open,
Sucked the poison from an aging wound.
Now fifty-thousand war cadets,
Would cower at this small brunette,
To my surprise not six feet high,
Who'd reach and grab the moon if I
Should ask or just imply,
That I wanted a bit more light,
So I could look inside your eyes
And get the colors just right.
Build love, build God, build provinces,
Build calluses, break promises,
'Cause I could never hold a perfect thing
And not demolish it.
What am I thinking? What does this mean?
How could somebody ever love me?
Love you.
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Don't have a lot of time to write right now, but I need to put something down before I lose my mind. Mom has been in a bad mood the last few days, so she's not exactly fun to be around right now. She got mad at me for getting a shower and not telling her. So. There's just no winning with her, she thinks she's right and I'm not so I can't oppose that. I'm just so tired of being lectured for the same thing once a week for things I'm trying to do and/or already doing. My brother gets the worst of it, too. She's a lot more intense with him and they really don't deserve it.
I got to go on another walk with them, that was nice. I needed to get out a bit before it gets too cold to do anything. It's gonna get way too cold this week, I'm dreading that already.
Oh oh oh I got to get the sinms again. It's free now so I can finally do packs and mods and CC abd stuff!! I'm really excited I get Alpha hair finally. Might drop off the face of the planet to play Sims every so often now.
I ended up doing another reading for fun last night (Ollie brought it up) and I got...concerning answers. III of Swords, Death, Justice, and The Tower. Which...if you don't have the meanings of drilled into your brain, none of that is a good sign. I think I'll do a few protection workings tomorrow since it's the Solstice and hope I can deal with this. "Trust in The Universe" be damned.
I'm worried. I'm not sure why, or about what, but I have a distinct feeling something is Wrong. I wonder if the cards are just getting to me but I'm not sure. Was that reading even for me? No it definitely was, the deck used the III of Swords on purpose, it's only been in reference to me for the longest time. I should probably check in on everybody though. Maybe I'll call Soup and Ollie, just..make sure before I have to go. Maybe I just need o talk to someone anyway.
Huh.
Right? by Emlyn
I love you more than you love me,
I can't be more sure of that,
You keep on saying "No, trust me"
And nothing feels worse than that.
You tell me we're great, it feels like a lie
And all that I need is for you to be mine
But I love you more than you love me
Please God don't tell me I'm right
I'm wrong, right?
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Sorry it's been a bit, I got busy. It's been fine though, finally caught back up on my life a little, I'm feeling less dreadful.
Yesterday was nice, mom cooked, we got gifts, no one started any fires. I got markers I finally got to draw with today, and a murder mystery game I stayed up late solving. My sibling got a drone. Dad was really happy with what I got for him. He's gonna have to DM another game to use it. That sounds nice. It's been a while since we've done that with just the 4 of us. I miss that.
Oh, yeah, still no clue what the reading meant. I did a few protection prayers/workings and so far (knock on wood) nothin's blown up in my face, so I'm hoping we'll be okay. But Mercury is in retrograde so who the fuck knows at this point. I'm sure it'll be okay, though, it just got to my head I think.
Today was pretty uneventful as well. I talked to Ollie a lot, and Soup. We played video games.
I wish this wasn't so difficult. I'd give a lot to take care of a lot of people, but them especially. I wish it was enough. I want to fix it. I can't. I'm not good enough at it. I can't send fictional hearts and expect it to fix anything. I always just fuck it up. They deserve more, both of them do. More than the world can give them, let alone me. I feel like actually being there would at least be nicer. I want to be there. I want to hold them against my chest and press kisses to their hair and tell them it'll all be okay and make all this bullshit go away. I want to take care of them. I think I've always wanted that, even before. I just want to know they're safe and that they know they're loved. Like I said, I can't. But if I ever find a genie I guess I know what I'm working on first. Smaller song piece this time.
Die trying, by Art Of Dying
I think its time for me to go now,
I've done more harm than good,
If I could change how this turned out
Yeah, you know that I would.
Sometimes the weight is more than I can hold,
I'd rather fail than not know.
If it takes forever,
I will die trying.
If it takes forever,
I will die trying.
Aside from ... All That, I'm feeling pretty good now. Getting ready to sleep, made myself some tea and I have candles lit. I'm probably gonna read some and then go to bed. I have some little fictional gay people to catch up on, so I may not come back to this before I sleep. You know I love y'all, right? Well you do now. Do something nice to yourself for me. Goodnight.
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This isn't going to make any sense, wrote half of it down way past the time I should've been asleep. It just needs to be somewhere, if I feel up to to you'll get a normal-person-Iv update in a few hours. Bear with me.
Take my heart. Please. If you wanted you could even have my body, my soul if I still have one but don't leave without my heart. I can't stand it. It's likely you don't want it either with that in mind but it can be whatever you want, I'll change it however you want if it means it won't be in my own chest anymore. Please, just hold it, break it, even, if you want, I don't care. It just needs to feel something and you're the only reason it does so anymore. It can't do anything without your direction, it sits and fidgets and pulses until you accidentally tell it to do something. To help, mostly. That's the most annoying one. It knows (we know) that I'l be able to help, but it needs to. It needs to because it thinks that's what it's been ordered to do and that's all that really matters. You're all that really matters. I've been offering you my heart for a while but you don't use it. I need you to do something with it. I'm sitting on my floor, weeping to a sad poem, not because the poem is sad, but because my heart can hear it in your voice and your voice (Your wonderful, burnt-into-my-fucking-ears voice) tells it to do so. Tells me to do so.
I am nothing without my heart, I know, but my heart would not be a heart without you. So please. You're all that can make it stay.
Tiny excerpt today. Puppet by Kori PZ
I'm a puppet, but I won't cut off my strings,
Even when they cut into me,
I'll let myself get pulled around,
Tugged until I'm left on the ground.
I refuse to cut off my strings,
Even when they cut into me.
I don't wanna get pulled around,
But I don't wanna be left on the ground.
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Technically it's after midnight, so it's January. But I usually don't count it until the morning. Happy New years though!! Hope you all had a tolerable year. If not, I hope this next one is better for you.
I went to the mall today, that was nice. Got new clothes, and some earrings from spencer's I really like. We got to go out to dinner too, so today was nice, all things considered. I did a little elemental working for the year, and mom is probably gonna cleanse tomorro, so I won't need to worry about that. If I feel up to it tonight maybe I'll finally boot up Splatoon 3, get some practice in before I play with Soup and they mulch me. (ha, mulch, I did it again.) If that doesn't work out I may pop into Fortnite to see if anyone cool is online, I miss Drag a whole bunch.
---- TW for suicide. ----
Hey, It's been a few hours, I need to get something off my chest before it explodes.
I miss Alex. It's kind of a dumb time to be thinking about them, it's been years and I've barely even paid them a passing thought. (oops. That's probably bad, huh? Of course they did tell me to forget about them.) 11/11/20, 2:40 AM. It's been over two years. And on a sacred day, too. How funny. Their account on Reddit is still there, actually. The post isn't. Someone that modded the chat's reddit page took it down. I kinda wish I could read it. I don't rmember their typing style anymore. I never learned their face ot their voice, but we got a blacked-out photo of them in a skirt once. That's still saved somewhere forever. I remember everyone trying to figure out whether it was proof that they were short or if it was angles. I'm so fucking angry. Not at them, I think. Obviously I wish they hadn't left me and almost taken 4 people with them, obviously I think it was selfish and if they were still here I'd maim them for it, but none of that is anger, just hurt. I wonder if it's all they wanted, wherever they ended up. I wonder if it's nice, the disembodied concept they'd chosen over me. I wonder if it's fucking worth it. I'm so scared I'm gonna end up like that again. Alone and exhausted and panicking for 14 hours straight. Waiting for a message that's never going to come. Waiting for a confession of some twisted joke or dream or something, anything that meant that I wasn't alone. Days of trying to convince everyone else not to follow them. I saw the post at 3:17 AM. I accepted that they weren't going to text us at 5:24 PM. 14 hours of hoping and praying and pleading. I didn't cry until sometime after 6.
I feel sick. I'm gonna go to bed, I think.
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Kinda forgot this exists, oops. I was sick for a few days and then really busy. I'm still busy but I feel like a person again, so I can try to get back onto writing. I have a lot of SCA events these next couple weeks. Tne this weekend is a pretty big drive, so that's gonna suck. The weekend after we have to host it, so I'll be all over the place around then. Speaking of Queen's, no one seems to know how to actually run anything. Two weeks until the event and we've done exactly two (2) things. We have a Luncheon we're trying to plan out and no kitchen to do it in ????? hhhhh. Makes me wanna do the damned thing myself.
Starting on school again tomorrow. First Monday where I haven't felt like death, so I'll have that to deal with on top of all that. It's okay though, I really only have easy work left. Maybe I'll move ahead early and take an extra break before summer. :) Started working on a new drawing style recently too, I'm really enjoying just fucking around with it instead of trying to show anyone or care too much about how it turns out. I think I like this a little better than what I was trying to do before with drawing people.
Oh Oh Oh I have a book I started too, already about halfway through and it looks promising. About this set of rich girls killing somebody and throwing each other under the bus for it, it's really dramatic. I like it, but I really didn't expect to, honestly. Normally I enjoy stories where I can project onto a character but..not really. Definitely not the MC. She's mouthy, and headstrong, and confident, and really Vain and self-absorbed. Did I mention she's rich? And without a stable family? I guess I just like watching them flail around a litle. All of them got some pretty big reality checks, it's been fun to watch. Maybe I'm just being sadistic and I dont actually like the book that much. Damn it, now I don't know.
As I said I've got schoolwork tomorrow, so I should probably head to sleep, try to get up at a vaguely reasonable hour. Simple song pick today, since it reminds me of the book.
The Ballad of Sara Barry, from 35mm
You got your silver Sara, you got your crown,
You got their blood on the roses in hand,
Whoa, you donned the sash and scepter, doing a dance,
As you crowned you queen of high school land.
Woah-oh-oh-oh,
God save the queen,
(Down on your knees before the queen,)
God save the queen,
Whoa-oh-oh-oh,
The queen of high school land
Down on your knees before, the queen of high school land.
They wrapped your wrists in silver, they took your crown,
They washed the blood from each finger and hand,
Woah, into a tight straitjacket, small padded cell,
Screaming, "I'm the queen of high school land!"
At least in your head, you're queen of high school land,
Oh, pity the dead, you're queen of high school land.
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Forgot to write here for a while, everything kinda blew up in my face all at once. we all got sick Again and then coronation happened and I thought I was gonna die so iphworg;djs. I'm exhausted. I'm not allowed to be exhausted yet, I have to wait until after we finish running this event in two days, which I (regrettably) decided to volunteer to cook for, so we'll be doing that tomorrow for probably four hours. Not gonna be great considering I'm already down like 20 spoons.
I cleaned my room today! Like, fully cleaned it. It's been a while since I've done that. It took me forever and I'm really tired now, but I did it!! I feel better now, I think. Do I? I feel less trapped, I guess. I didn't really notice how trapped I felt before. Stuck. It's probably been like that since we started looking to move, huh? I don't know. I'm just tired. I just want to be done. It's been too many years of the same. "Almost there!" since I turned 10. I'm still not there.
I should talk to somebody before I start freaking out, I really don't want to, though, Ollie's supposed to be doing homework and Cephy went to bed. Maybe I'll listen to music, it'll still shut all this up. I can't, though. I'm so cold, all the time. It's not even physical anymore. I feel like the inside of my chest froze over. I still feel I think, it's not blank like it used to be, just cold. Like I feel it all through chattering teeth and shaking shoulders. Even when I'm in a good mood, it's not right, it's solemn underneath it. I don't want to be here anymore. Escaping doesn't cut it anymore. I can't escape. I tried to read today and I couldn't get out of my head. The music doesn't help. I don't remember the last time I wasn't tired, aside from being under. I'm exhausted, and stressed, and done. I can't do this anymore. No, I have to, I know I have to. I refuse to let this be it, I'll be okay. Eventually. I'm okay.
I need a game room, whenever I have my own house. Dad talks about one a lot. A spot to play DND, or board games, or just to seat a ton of people when we have them over. I wanna paint it to look like a dungeon, maybe. Get one of those really big bonquet-style tables to set up. A projector, so we can throw up maps or videos or slides.
I think I'm gonna go send Earth and Water a prayer. I don't normally like to pray to anything, to give it more power than my will, to plead. But my will isn't strong enough for that tonight. I just want some rest. I'll come back eventually, I guess. Good night.
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I got busy, and then tired, and then sick so I stopped updating here, oops. No one missed much though, a lot of the same stuff, and a couple SCA events. Went to one this last weekend, and it was nice. I started doing entourage for a while, to get to know Her Majesty a bit. Artt was there, he's still sweet and funny. He played Wonderwall for His Majesty. I got to sit in on the Bardic circle, and watched Cassian perform. Oh oh and I got a Lyra Aura!! 15th person to get it ever, so that's cool. Sonja spoke about it for about a minute and then she stepped up to me and whispered 'thank you' while she put the necklace on, so she really meant it. that might be one of the reasons they're my favorite crown, they don't just go through the motions, they actually, really care. And they show it.
I've got another one to go to on Saturday, in Ravensfort this time. Doing Entourage again for a couple hours, but otherwise I might just relax. Maybe I'll shoot in the archery thing, it's not an actual tournament, so it won't be as stressful. I'm excited to just chill and talk to people. Lately it's been a lot of running around and helping out, which I like too of course, I think I missed feeling useful, actually, like I was worth something. But it's not gonna be quite like it was before, I don't wanna give up having actual fun at events.
I get the sense I messed up, or that I'm going to mess up. It probably has something to do with last night. I don't know what the right course of action was there, of course. Even in hindsight, I'm not sure what would've been better, but probably not just, sitting there silently. They were upset, and afraid, and I froze. I told them I was okay, and Ollie was okay, and I let them talk their way out of it, but that's it. They didn't talk to me for a long time before that, not for longandn ot about much. I wonder if they thought I was going to mess up. That doesn't feel like the reason, they probablyt had some pretense of not 'making me deal with them' As if it was hurting me somehow. I mean, It's upsetting in the moment, and I hardly slept, but I think that's just my brain's fault. I wasn't lying, it's not like I couldn't have left. I stayed wnother five minutes when I was supposed to be eating. I can't do anything about it now, I guess, even if I did fuck up. Control the controllables, I suppose. If they think I fucked up they probably wouldn't hide it.
I've had music on all day, I don't think it's as loud as it needs to be, but my phone's gonna keep yelling at me about hearing damage, so it'll stay there. It was helping fine when I was reading though, I might go back to that, since this has at least partially helped me. I still have a couple chapters to get through I think. Good Times by NOTHING MORE
I felt a rush over me
It's right here but out of reach
It's bittersweet how the best times, the best times
They come and go like a dream
We never know how much they mean
It's bittersweet how the best times aren't the best times
Until they leave.
And the years pass just like that
And the rain falls when I look back
Are we better off remembering
Or forgetting how it used to be?
Are we ever gonna get this back?
Are we ever gonna get it back?
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I think I've hit my limit.
I put an offer out on a house this week, it was accepted but we haven't closed yet. I should be happy, I've been waiting for this since we moved in 4 years ago. I just feel tired. I wanna be moved out already. We have bugs in half our food now, my parents killed a rat in their bedroom. There was another chooting down the street. I'm just done.
I'm trying so hard but I don't know how much longer I can keep this up. I haven't really talked to anyone in a while aside from my parents. I feel like that hasn't been super great for me. Kind of considering throwing myself off a bridge again, but I know I'm not gonna want to in a few days when the weather warms up and I talk to somebody again. I don't know. Maybe I'll call Kai tomorrow and try not to have a brakdown in the meantime. Everyone else is busy.
I wanna say I don't care, it sounds right, but at the same time I do. I care so much it feels like all I do anymore and it fucking sucks. Mom always called it empathy, told me it's cause I was so emotionally intelligent. The "Wiccan" articles call it clairaudience and tell me it's cause I'm getting closer to a higher state of being. I think I'm just an oversensitive dumbass with no coping skills but it doesn't matter. All that matters is it fucking hurts.
I care. so much. So much I feel like everyone else's emotions gets imprinted on my brain until the tears get rid of it. It happens with my parents (they're stressed, and tired, and angry), it happens with Cephy (...), it happens with the girl at the fucking conveniece store (She just lost someone). I can't handle someone having emotions within a mile of me anymore it fucking hurts and it's not like I would ever choose to stop talking to anyone because of it because I still love them and I still need to be there and I still need them but I don't know how to make it stop hurting. It didn't use to hurt this much. I feel like this got dramatic. I'm going to figure it out, it won't last too long this time, I'm sure. It's fine. I can deal with it. I'm good. I'm gonna go to bed before I think about something again and start spiraling. See you.
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I was fine. I was just fine. Why am I like this.
I was okay. I was watching the FNAF livestream, I was wonderful. I remeber now that before I always missed the Friday ones. I always had stuff to do, or people to talk to or somewhere to be that wasn't this god damned house. The best I've got now? My bedroom, (locked from the parents but not the bugs) Chocolate ice cream, (the cheap kind) and videos I should've grown out of forever ago. Fucking wonderful.
I am not okay. I feel like I'm drowning in the quicksand that this house and its' visible studs and concrete flooring has turned into. The Vidor house wasn't working. Isn't. They pulled the offer. If this next one doesn't go through it'll be more waiting. I'm so fucking tired of the waiting. I'm still packing and I;m still fillinf this house with as many candles as my lungs allow and I'm still getting the fuck out of here. If I don't what's the fucking point. My aunt is asking me to play something. I should say yes, I was just complaining about not talking to anyone. I don't think I will though. She plays with me so she can pretend her family isn't tired of her bullshit and everyone else plays with me because they wouldn't be rude to her niece. In that case the ice cream sounds like better company, I think.
I'm sorry. I feel 11 again trying to moan and whine about no one liking me while actively not venting to anyone. I wouldn't bother anyone with this anyway though, at least not anyone with real problems. I've talked about it to someone once already, that's plenty. I can at least be sort of normal for practice tomorrow and then I can find a fic or something to read and pretend I'm not drowning next week. By the time that's over with SCA people will be back from Gulf and I'll have reasons to go outside again so. I'll live.
I am going to keep my shit together. I have to. I have to because mom just upped her therapy sessions to three times a week (and not one) and dad hasn't held a conversation without spacing out in weeks and my brother is..oblivious as ever and still not getting up until past noon. So, clearly, someone has to get it the fuck together and that woul seem to be No One Else so. Fuck it. What else am I here for?
Is 10:30 on Friday a really pitiful time to attempt to cry myself to sleep? Yes. Will I still make an effort? Yes.
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Thinking about Love and Other Fairytales again and I need to put all of this somewhere before I explode.
I know I joke about reading it too much, or being too obsessed with it, but I really think it's helped me. I think I needed a reminder of what life looks like. Things haven't gone well for me in a long time, things haven't felt alive for me in a lomg time. And reading something like that, at that point in my life, reminded me that things are still beautiful, life still goes on. People still wake up and fall in love and make it through the fight. Stars still shine and wounds still heal and flowers still bloom and spring still comes back. I think I forgot that for quite some time. I think a large part of it is that it's a story that doesn't have an ending, the doors closed behind the characters, but nothing really stopped happening to them. Life still goes on.
Ostara is in about a week, thank god. I'm working up to a beginning, I know that. I just have to make it through getting there. I think I'll plant some seeds and say some prayers once it's here. I wanna just refresh everything.
Still looking at houses, put offers out on more of them. The big one we're looking at needs some work, but if it means we get out of here sooner I will live with green carpeting, damn it.
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I feel a bit better, like I thought, after going to an event and talking to people. I'm still afraid of messaging in the server. I'm afraid of calling Soup. I'm afraid of fucking it up again. The problem with thinking as much as I do is that I know the reason behind why I do things or say things, but I'm still just as impulsive and emotional and annoying, so it really doesn't change anything. I know why I fucked up and I know, in theory, how to not do it again but that doesn't mean I won't.
I'm afraid of losing them. All of them. I know I'm going to, I know it's inevitable that at some point I'm gonna fuck something up or the universe is gonna decide I haven't been through enough yet and they're gonna be gone. It's gonna wait until I'm happy tHough, like usual. I can't fathom what I'm gonna do after that though. I don't have any other real friends. I still don't know how I handled some of the other people disappearing. I still dream about Aislyn every couple months. Alex still bounces around my head like they own the place. I don't know. I'll learn.
I'd like to not have to think, or worry about fucking up. Maybe I'll listen to something tonight if I'm not too upset for it. Strangers, Halsey.
She doesn't call me on the phone anymore
She's never listening, she says it's innocent
She doesn't let me have control anymore
I must've crossed a line, I must've lost my mind
When I wake up all alone
And I'm thinkin of your skin
I remember, I remember what you told me
Said that we're not lovers, we're just strangers
With the same damn hunger
To be touched, to be loved, to feel anything at all
We're not lovers, we're just strangers
With the same damn hunger
To be touched, to be loved, to feel anything at all
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I'm actually having an alright day, so I have some slightly more coherent things to write about. Been thinking about Lace recently, after I saw one of their tiktoks. It's a little weird to me, the space in my brain they take up. (all of them, really) It's like I remember them so vividly, but I don't remember who I was at the time. They didn't know this version of me. I probably don't know the current version of them. I wish I could, but the cards didn't fall that way. It's weird to think I remember them and that time of my life so intimately, and I never knew any of them outside of some random reddit groupchat about sanders sides and being mentally unstable. I can't recall that many real conversations we've had. I can tell you all the little changes they made to my brain. I hadn't heard Lace's voice until the chat was starting to fade out. I don't know if they've ever heard mine. She's the reason I wanted to learn to sing. I wouldn't say I'm devestated that they're gone, but it is sad we'll never know the new versions of each other. That the little imprints they left on me are all I really have. I still feel obligated to say hi and like their things when I see them, but maybe I just want her to know I haven't forgotten. Maybe I'm hoping to catch a glimpse of her. Who knows. I hope they know what they meant to me.
On an unrelated note: I might have a crush on Kai. That's kind of weird. I don't normally go from friend (platonic) - like (romantic). It's usually friend (platonic) - In love (platonic) - In love (romantic). They're kind of refreshing, I wish I could put my finger on why. Maybe just because they're here in-person. I messaged them to say we should hang out more, but honestly I don't mind if I never get the chance to ask them out. Just getting to fuck around and flirt and just. Be. Without overthinking it. I haven't had that privilege before, it's been nice. Maybe that's what it is. I'm not worried constantly about messing it up. I'm not overthinking us.
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Still no house, we're gonna go see more tomorrow. Ollie's not gonna be here for a while, not to call, at least. I can't do anything really to help him right now. I'm trying really hard to at least be there to listen, though. I don't want him to feel like I'm not here just because he can't call me. I don't know, I'm just trying not to think too much about it, to be honest. We'll figure it out.
Someone told me the other day I seemed depressed. Not sure how to feel about that. It's not like I don't still find enjoyment in things, or that I constantly feel like I write about. I really am trying to get out more and listen to music and not lose myself in this whole thing. I just wonder now if it's working. I feel nice. when I'm busy, or with someone, or out of the house...or under. (That probably isn't gonna be an option for a while though, I wouldn't make Soup walk on eggshells while I figure my brain out.) I guess my point is I tried so hard to keep from falling apart, it'd be a shame if I waited till I could see the end of it.
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Before I start talking for real, I have some incoherent romantic rambles. Don't aks who it's for, I can't tell.
When I say I would die for you, it's not in the way most people might.
Most people say it if they want to be a hero, or a martyr,
Or because the abstract concept of dying for someone should sound romantic and sweet,
Not self-sacrificing and horrifying.
When I say I would die for you, I mean that my love for you may one day tear me apart,
I mean that no matter where I am, what I do,
It all seems to tie back to you.
I mean that if I told you all that I have loved for you, hated for you, cried for you, hoped for you.
You would find it nauseating.
I mean that we all will die as we have lived, and for me, that shall be for you.
Anyway. I keep thinking about whether I'm gonna do rapier or not, for the SCA. I wanted to years ago, because Aurora did it, but after shutdown he doesn't fight anymore, so I haven't thought about it in a while. Todd wants me to, dad wants to, Richard said he'd teach me. I don't know. I think I need a way to explain to them that it's not my path. I won't ever take a scarf. I'm not capital-P-Pursuing it, if that makes sense. My path is with service and I'm already working on that full-time. Archery is a passtime because I wanted to spend time with mom. Rapier would be a passtime so I can work on balance and joint control. But I don't want to disappoint anyone by saying I won't be doing this seriously, once I start learning. And I refuse to let Todd teach me. All that aside, even, I still have the same hangups that made me leave boffer. There really aren't any other youths near us. It would be a bunch of adults (mostly men) fighting me with swords I can't use for six more months. excuse me if that doesn't quite sound appealing. I don't know, I guess I want someone to make up my mind for me. I want to do it but I need someone to teach me and people who will fight me that can make it fun, and remember it's not for a path.
On another SCA-related note: My parents are probably running for Baron and Baroness. If they don't let themselves get talked out of it, anyway. I think they could do a lot of good for the group, and actually get recognition for it. I know they can handle it, but I hope they're prepared for the amount of people kissing their asses if they win it. Of course if they don't we'll have a whole other set of issues, because the other two would ruin this group.
No song tonight, sorry. it's pretty late.
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Hello! Not certain what I wanted to talk about, but I just wanted to update, in case anyone's still listening. Mom pretty much gave up on the house situation, I think. She thinks it's not meant to happen yet, and I'm inclined to agree. We're gonna take a step back and try to make do with this for another month or so, I think. Trying to organize meeting up with Ollie, since we don't want to wait until we're moved anymore. I don't particularly like this, but it's bearable. I'll survive.
I don't put poems here often unless I wrote them, I didn't want to steal from Soup, but they haven't posted one in a while, and this one hit me like a ton of bricks, so..I'd like to share it with you. Where Do You See Yourself in Ten Years?, by Juliet/Happy Daggar
If not wealthy,
then I’ll at least be clean and fed
and I’ll have finally chosen a signature perfume.
I’ll be the proud owner of a real jewelry box
so I don’t have to untangle my necklaces
from a chipped bowl every morning.
If not prosperous,
then I’ll at least have a whole set of steak knives,
and three pairs of good shoes,
and a little mirror by the front door
so I can make sure my mascara isn’t smudged
before leaving for work.
If not wise, then I’ll at least
be able to give tourists directions
without looking at a map.
If the New York Times isn’t scrambling to interview me,
then I know I will be sitting with eight friends
around a real dining room table made of wood.
We’ll play a board game to exercise
our sleepy devotion to one another.
They might not remember my middle name,
but they’ll offer me a glass of wine from a box
and ask me if I’ve written anything that week.
If I never figure out what made those girls
in high school so easy to love,
then I’ll figure out how to love them too.
If I never become lovely, nor shining,
nor beautiful, then at least I won’t be jealous anymore.
If I don’t have a lassoed moon
to hold over my head like a prize,
then I’ll at least come home to
another warm body every night.
Someone who will look me in the eye
over a hot meal and dry the dishes while I wash.
If not healthy, then walking.
If not happy, then almost.
If not in possession of a radiating light,
then at least a consistent glow.
Something bright enough to light
the garden path to the back door
where my lilacs hang heavy and low
at the end of every long day.
"If not happy, then almost" I think that's where I need to be. I've never had this big, overarching dream. I just want to be content. I just want to be safe. I just want to be almost. I'm okay with almost. I am not okay with bearable, or survivable.
Good night, y'all. I love you.
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Hey, missed you. Nothing particularly interesting going on other than the meet-up with Ollie next week :) There's also the TV show consuming my entire existance but i wanna talk about Ollie first
I was just really excited before (still am of course) but now I'm weirdly really anxious about it, more than I thougth I'd be, anyway. Because it's not like I genuinely think it won't go well.
Most people don’t get to plan out how they meet the people they love for the first time, most people don’t know it’s coming, can't anticipate the words that may come to their mind. I almost feel like I ought to think of it as a privilege.
But thinking of it at all just sets my hands shaking.
What if I don’t match up to who he thinks I am? What if the practiced, polished version is all she’s interested in?
How could I ever live up to the version of me that only exists behind a few sheets of glass?
We all want what we can’t have, once I become real, who's to say it'll matter?
We’ve talked a million times about how sad the distance is, sometimes I forget it can be a safety net.
I can pretend it isn’t real, if something goes wrong.
Now, if it’s tangible, 3-dimensional, I have to admit that it’s real vulnerability.
And now if he doesn’t like me, it’s not a persona that’s been rejected.
Maybe I'll wear the blue dress.
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